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May 27, 2012
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42 (who?)

The Pony Variety Show!

As you sit in your plush seat, surrounded by crowds of bronies whispering in hushed tones, the lights of the theatre dim, spotlights focus upon the stage, and a tiny purple dragon waddles onto the stage. He pulls out a microphone, taps it a couple of times inducing feedback through the speakers, then begins to speak, glancing off to the right of the stage.

"Testing, one, two. Are we on? Okay good."
"Welcome ladies, gentlecolts, and bronies of all ages, to the Pony Variety Show! I'm your host, Spike the dragon! Today on our first ever episode of PVS, we're gonna have some, ah, interesting pieces for you from the cast here, including Twilight's Gratuitous Fansirvice-"

"WHAT!?!? Nopony told me about this!" Twilight yells from backstage.

"Ahem, as I was saying, Twilight's Gratuitous Fanservice, a duet duel between Pinkie Pie and Sgt. Ramrod of the Ironhoof Century, a segment on Equestrian history with Discord, and a sneak peek behind the scenes of PVS! Also stay after the show to give suggestions for the next PVS with the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

With a bow, Spike retreats from the stage, bowing the entire way as long red curtains part, revealing the first act.

* * *

As the curtain opens, you're all treated to a large, sexy, white pegasus stallion with a flamboyant black mane and small golden markings over his muzzle. He's laying on his side, his bedroom eyes fixed on a nervous looking lavender unicorn who's being pushed from the right side of the stage.

"I changed my mind, Rarity! I can't go through with this!" Twilight complains, trying fruitlessly to dig her hooves in.

"Nonsense, Twilight! You said you needed a little more stallion in your life, now go out there in front of this huge crowd and make out with that casual acquaintance of yours!" Rarity demands, pushing her friend closer and closer to the stallion.

Seeing all of you ponies and bronies sitting about, staring at her intently, Twilight turns to face all of you, her face lit up like a lightbulb. "Hey everypony! Glad to see you all came out to watch the show…"

"Stop stalling and make out with the guy already!" Somepony shouts from the crowd, eliciting laughter.

"What the hay do you think I'm doing!?" Twilight retorts indignantly.

"Hey Twilight, I know how to put the Sparkle back in, and a few other things too." The white pegasus calls cheerfully.

"Um… you know that fanboys are going to rip you apart for this, right?" Twilight asks her makeout partner.

"Don't worry, they all hate me anyway, I might as well trample all over their feelings too!" He replies, then looks out at all of you. "The name's Thundercloud, by the way. I just so happen to be the best thing that's happened in Equestria since Kinky Pie!"

"Yeah… right." Twilight's voice drips sarcasm. "Listen, if anypony out there wouldn't mind saving me from another clopfic worthy situation, I'd really appreciate it… so… anytime now… please!?!?"

"Time's up!" Thundercloud grins. "Let's make this steamy."

"Don't stare!" Twilight gives you all a murderous look before turning back to the stallion.

As if from above (or just from the obvious audio system) the sweet, sensual voice of Rarity echoes around you, setting the mood as the lights grow dimmer. "Twilight Sparkle has just returned home after a distressful evening where she got tangled up with several Guard ponies. She's still covered in sweat, tired from her ordeal at their hooves, and unsure of what to expect. Isn't it positively luscious!?"

"Rarity! This is hard enough as it is! Now will you get on with it!?" Twilight yells up at the control room you're not supposed to see sitting overhead.

"Oh, you're the one who's going to be getting on with it." Rarity laughs.

"If you don't stop it, I'll… I'll… I'll tell my brother on you!" Twilight retorts.

"Oh yes, please do! I'm sure he'll punish me for my naughty behavior!"

"You're disgusting!" Twilight grimaced at the thought.

"Well at least I'm not putting on a stage show. Have fun!"

"I'll get you back for this!"

"You'll have me on my back for this!? Oh my!" Rarity continues, clearly enjoying the game.

Unwilling to put herself through more ridicule, Twilight storms back over to Thundercloud, a scowl on her face. "You, me, make out, now!"

"I thought you'd never ask!" He responds cheekily. "Now get over here! Clearly you've never been with a proper stallion before!"

Grabbing her, he kisses her passionately, watching her resistance dissolve as she falls into lovesick passion at his every caress, succumbing to his charms so thoroughly that her very will is dominated by his strong grip. Pressing her back to the floor, he leans over her, kissing up and down her neck, tasting the saltiness of sweat glistening on her. Drawing closer, he presses his extremely masculine chest against hers, eliciting passionate moans of delight as she succumbs to his every will.

Standing off to one side, Twilight watches in silent disgust as Thundercloud licks and thrashes against a mop. Looking back at the audience, she shakes her head as he scoots past her, grinding the mop against the floor. "Good thing I took that class on Jedi mind tricks! Look at what he's doing to that poor thing!"

"Oh yeah! Push me babe! Push me hard! You're so wet and stringy!" Locking his lips onto the mop's head, he thrust his tongue through it's tangles. "You taste like… pizza and bubblegum."

"We'll be right back…" Twilight shakes her head, trying to fight the grin that's spreading across her face.

* * *

"Tired of trying to make sense of transduh… transdispens… tranny physics?" A blond maned grey pegasus asks, holding up a book as she glides from stage right. "Then I've got a book for you! Dr. Whooves is an ex-spurt on tranny physics, with lots of experience in the field! He'll explain how to focus on dressing to fit the part, worming through holes, and uh… oh yeah, making out okay!"

"He promises you'll be one hundred percent satisfied!" Grinning proudly to herself, Derpy retreats from the stage. "So how'd I do?"

You hear the thump of a body hitting a wooden floor.

"Doctor? Are you okay?"

* * *

As the curtain raises, a pink pony is standing with her back to the audience, her curly hair bouncing up and down as she moved in time with a jaunty tune. Standing next to her, a large, burly, brown, stallion stands, looking more like he's doing squats than moving with the music. Whirling around, Pinkie Pie faces everypony, breaking out into song.

"Anything you can do, I can do better!"

"What!?" The stallion, Sgt. Ramrod exclaims, a look of confusion on his face.

"Yes I can!" Pinkie sings.

"No you can't." He replies.

"Yes I can!" Pinkie repeats, doing her best not to burst out giggling.

"No. You can't." He grows more irritable.

"Yes I can, yes I can! Heeheehahahaha!" Unable to contain herself any longer, Pinkie starts laughing.

"Look, no matter how good a job you do, I can outperform you." He tries to explain.

"No you're not! Heeheehee!" Pinkie sings, still laughing.

"Wait, that doesn't make any sense!"

"No you're not!"

"Are we even having the same conversation?" He asks flatly.

"No you're not!"

"What do you mean!? You're not making any sense!"

"No you're not!"

"I am making perfect sense! What is wrong with you!?" He shouts

He continues watching her, but she is silent, other than bouncing up and down. Sgt. Ramrod is about to speak when Pinkie Pie cuts him off.

"I can get a sparrow, with a bow and arrow!" Pinkie sings out. Suddenly a bolt of yellow slams into her from above.

"Pinkie Pie, why would you ever want to hurt a sparrow!? That's so cruel!" Fluttershy blurts out.

"Oh that? It's only a song Fluttershy! I wouldn't actually hurt a sparrow!" Pinkie explains happily.

"Oh… um… okay… Just so long as you don't." Fluttershy blushes and retreats from the stage. Sgt. Ramrod watches, his eyebrows brought together in a befuddled expression.

"So can a rat! Heeheeheehahaaahahaha!" Pinkie blurts out, then breaks down in a mirthful fit.

"That's it. I'm done." The frustrated Sergeant stomps off the stage, leaving Pinkie Pie to continue her singing and laughter. The music stops abruptly, sending a squealing through the theatre. Spike quickly emerges, microphone in hand.

"Sorry, we're… ah… having some technical difficulties. Be right back!" He retreats from the stage again. Pinkie Pie can still be heard laughing off behind the curtains. Suddenly three ponies all start shouting, there's a loud crackling, followed by a sharp BANG! For a moment, Applejack stumbles out onto the stage, her hat missing, and scorch marks splayed across the front of her face.

"What in the hay hit me?" She mumbles, then disappears, followed by a CRASH!

"DERPY!" Voices chorus from behind the curtains.


* * *

A regal white alicorn with a pastel rainbow mane steps out onto the stage. Looking about at all of you, she smiles. "Good evening everypony! Have you ever wanted the vacation of a lifetime? Who doesn't? Ever wanted to travel to exotic places? This one will take your breath away! Always wanted to have that perfect view of the ocean? Well you can see all of them from here! Does this sound exciting to you?"

Princess Celestia leans forward as if preparing to share a secret with you, he eyes growing small as she smiles maniacally. "I'm glad you're all so enthusiastic about this, because since I wasn't cast for anything in this show, you're all taking a one way trip to the moon! Isn't that great!?"

With a burst of magic, you find yourself gasping for breath in the airless confines of space. Your body starts to implode when a second flash goes off, and you find yourself back in your seat.

* * *

"Ugh, would you look at that?" A large, mismatched creature whines from where he's laid out on the stage, looking at all of you. "I'm about to get a proper audience, and what does Celestia do? Sends you all to the moon! Seriously, when was the last time that mare got laid?"

"What's the matter? Is my glorious, godly visage too much for you mere ponies and, eww, what are you things anyway? Even I'm not that twisted!" Discord reels back, staring at all you bronies. "Do any of you even bother bathing? It smells like old pizza in here!"

"Oh, sorry Discord." Twilight says popping her head out from behind the curtain. Her horn glows, lifting the mop from where it rested on the stage.

"Eeeugh!" Discord exclaims, thumbing back after the filly. "Do you have any idea where that thing's been!? …the mop was pretty disgusting too."

"Hey!" Twilight yelled.

"Muhahahaha!" The draconequus laughed uproariously, wiping a tear from his eye. "Oh it always feels so good to laugh at somepony."

"Don't mind getting to the act, it's not like we're gonna die up here!?" Up in one of the private boxes, a pair of old, wrinkled ponies sat, chuckling together.

The second one turned to his companion, his eyes as wide as they could get. "Wait, we're not dying?"

"Nope!" The first one replied. "The way I see it, we died sometime around the first act."

"I thought something smelled funny. Dohohohohoho!" The two ponies fell about laughing in rough, gravelly voices.

"Ha ha, very funny." Discord grumbled. "Why don't you two living fossils give us a lesson in pony history? You've clearly been around long enough!"

"Okay!" The first, a stubby whisp of a pony with a polkadot bow tie replied.

"Why not, it can't be any worse than listenin' to you!" The second pony answered, his white mane quivering as the two of them burst out laughing again. Scowling, Discord vanished in a flash, leaving the old timers to their jokes.

"Well, it looks like we drove him off." Mr. Waddles stated.

"Nah, couldn't be." His companion replied.

"Why is that?"

"I haven't had a driver's license in forty-six years!"


* * *

"Hahuha! Well… didn't see that one coming!" Spike chuckles as he reemerges from the back, mic in hand. "We have a lot of fun here on PVS, and now we'd like to share some of that fun with you, the audience! That's why I'd like to introduce and thank our undercover camera crew," Spike gestures to a pair of changelings holding a video camera,  "Bluenose and Yellowbelly for getting us interesting behind the scenes looks at our cast!"

The two changelings promptly start parading about the stage, waving their hooves in the air to the cheers of the audience, until Bluenose, with a sly grin on his face, trips Yellowbelly. The startled changeling squeals as he plunges into the audience, landing on somepony up front. "Eeeheeheeheehee!"

"Ooh! I gonna get 'ee fer that!" Yellowbelly screeches, chasing the laughing Bluenose back behind the curtain. As they pass, a large screen is uncovered by the final curtain. The lights dim, and a video begins to play…

* * *

The video starts, but the screen remains nearly black, with only a few horizontal slits of light glowing in the background. Spike begins to narrate. "It looks like the mare's locker room, I wonder what's gonna happen?"

"Spike! Why do you know what the mare's locker room looks like?" Twilight's voice echoes from backstage.

"Whoops! Gotta go!" Spike disappears, followed by clattering hooves.

On the screen the camera begins to jerk about. "Heeheehee! Here she comes!" A skittery voice giggles.

"Shshhshshshh! Ooh look, she's gonna do it!" The second creaks, happily as the locker door slowly opens and the camera focuses in on the lone rainbow maned pony entering. Looking about furtively, Rainbow Dash makes her way over to a stereo sitting on one of the benches. Grinning to herself, she slips a cd into the player and hits the play button.

"Yeah, yeah

When I walk on by, girls be looking like d*mn he fly!"

Rainbow dash starts bopping to the rhythm as she struts over to her locker.

"I pimp to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah!"

She throws open her locker, her rump shaking to the groove as she fishes out a towel.

"This is how I roll, animal print, pants outta control!

It's Redfoo with the big afro,

And like Bruce Leroy I got the glow!"

Rainbow Dash whips around, snapping the towel like a whip!

"Ahh, girl look at that body!"

Her expression is pure bliss as she throws her hips right and left!

"Ahh, girl look at that body!"

She struts back towards the showers, towel wrapped about her waist!

"Ahh, girl look at that body!"

Whipping the towel off again, she cracks it against against a locker, running one hoof along her flank. "Tssss!"

"Ahh, I work out!"

Continuing her strut, she disappears around the corner. The sound of a shower running begins.

"Ahh, girl look at that body!"

The camera begins to shift rapidly as the giggling pair make their way around the locker room to the shower.

"Ahh, girl look at that body!

Ahh, girl look at that body!"

The view turns about the corner, catching sight of Rainbow Dash once again. She's weaving back and forth under the stream of water, steam billowing up about her as water sops through her mane, making it cling to her!

"Ahh, I work out!"

Rainbow begins turning about in the shower, hooves up.

"When I walk in the spot, yeah, this is what I see, ok!

Everybody stops and they staring at me!

I got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to  show it, show it, show it, show it!"

Rainbow Dash suddenly freezes, eliciting a gasp from the changeling pranksters. Their panic quickly erupts into barely contained laughter as the unaware pegasus drops to the floor and begins squirming around!

"I'm sexy and I know it!

I'm sexy and I know it!"

* * *

Suddenly the two changelings burst from backstage, Rainbow Dash in hot pursuit with murder in her eyes! "When I catch the two of you, you're both dead!" She screams, sweeping after them! The song continues to play as the flyers whip about the room.

"Yeah, when I'm at the mall, security just can't fight them off!

And when I'm at the beach, I'm in a speedo trying to tan my cheeks, what!"

On the screen, Rainbow Dash is running her hooves up and down herself in a sensual manner. Up above, the real Rainbow is trying to spot Bluenose and Yellowbelly, who have changed themselves into random ponies and hidden amongst the audience to avoid her wrath!

"There's only one way this can end, and it's not gonna be pretty! So get the BUCK out here before I tear this room apart!"

"This is how I roll, come on ladies it's time to go!

We headed to the bar, baby don't be nervous,

No shoes, no shirt, and I still get service, watch!"

"Gaaaah!" Rainbow Dash, unable to endure the humiliation of the video feed any longer, rushes into the back. The screen goes blank just as the rainbow maned pony was reaching for…

"Bahahahahahaaaa!" The two changelings return to their natural form, laughing hysterically.

Spike returns to the stage, looking quite red faced. "Well… ladies and gentlecolts… tha- that was quite a show..!"

"Spike!" Twilight and Rainbow both shout simultaneously!

"Okay gotta go! See you all next time on the Pony Variety Show!" He waves as he beats a hasty retreat from the stage.

* * *

As you, along with all the other ponies and bronies exit the theatre's showing hall, a booth sits before you. Three little fillies are there, each awaiting eagerly as fans approach. The first, a little orange pegasus speaks up. "So, how did you all like the show!? Let us know what you thought in the comments below!"

The second, a yellow earth pony gives you all a big smile. "Y'all make sure ta let us know what ta show next time! The show is fer the audience, so tell us whut sketches we should do too!"

The third, a white unicorn, grins cheekily. "We'd really looove to know what embarrassing stuff you want our camera crews to put up! I know I'm looking forward to some more! Please submit your requests so we can make it happen!"

The three of them chorus as you head out! "Thanks for coming! We can't wait to see you all at the next Pony Variety Show!"
The lights dim! The cameras roll! The show is about to begin, and hilarity will ensue! Be warned! The Pony Variety Show is not for the easily offended!

Act 1: Twilight has a steamy encounter with Thundercloud!
Act 2: Pinkie Pie and Sgt. Ramrod have a sing off! (Sort of! xD)
Act 3: Discord shares a bit about pony history. (Not really!)
Behind the Scenes!: Rainbow's showering song!

Next: [link]

Be sure to leave comments for what you'd like to see on the Pony Variety Show next time! You wouldn't want to make Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo sad, would you?

The Pony Variety Show! :iconardanblade:
My Little Pony :iconfyre-flye: and Hasbro
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barney-nedward Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Professional Writer
Spike: It's the Pony Variety Show, with our very special guest star: Discord.

Band starts

a bunch of background ponies filter by
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the ponies on the Pony Variety show tonight

more background ponies come by
It's time to put on make up
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain on the Pony Variety Show tonight

Pinkie steps out from behind the curtain

Pinkie: I finally found a sure way to lose weight, I bought a scale that lies

Spike: To introduce our guest star
that's what I'm here to do
so it really makes me happy to introduce to you
Mr. Discord.

But now let's get things started on the most sensational,
this is what we call the Pony Variety show

Rainbow Dash hits the O in show like a gong and it promptly explodes.
ArdanBlade Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Haha, indeed!
barney-nedward Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Professional Writer
I see as gonzo because of her love of dangerous stunts
ArdanBlade Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Perhaps. ^^
barney-nedward Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Professional Writer
I mean Rainbow as Gonzo
Pinkie, I see as Fozzie because she is a jokester.
If Spike is Kermit, Rarity has to be Piggy to play up his crush on her. Plus she's got Piggy's personality.
Fluttershy is a pain in the ass to compare to a Muppet, I'm going with Rowlf on her until I know otherwise.
ArdanBlade Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Discord: "Oh, don't forget about me. Muhuhuhu..."
barney-nedward Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Professional Writer
He's definitely the guest star, because there is no way they're letting someone as dangerous as him stick around when the show is over.
ArdanBlade Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Discord: "I think you should take some time to read the later episodes. You might be surprised. Muhuhuhu..."
barney-nedward Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Professional Writer
I always knew Spike would be Kermit, does this make Rarity, Miss Piggy. Who's Pinkie gonna be, Fozzie?
ArdanBlade Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Student Digital Artist
No clue sir, absolutely no clue! xD
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